Note to Self

It’s been awhile since my last post, but I’ve been busy making cakes, running races, traveling, organizing and crafting.

What made me want to post again has to do with the way I was beginning to feel as a result of my self-image; I wanted to share this with other moms, wives and women, as a whole. As I mentioned, I was insanely busy this summer, not unlike me at all, and in true me fashion, signed up for a brand new workout program in my neighborhood…at 5am…because that’s what (I thought) worked best with my schedule. The class itself is AMAZING. Of course, getting up and out the door every morning is difficult, but I have a purpose each day. By the end of the class, I am drenched in sweat but pumped to start the rest of my day. I found that this is the only time I can really shut my brain off and be in the, “now”. Sounds great, right?

After the first couple of days, I found myself hiding from mirrors on the front wall, wearing baggy t-shirts all the time and hating every little thing about myself. I hated my chest, I hated my workout clothes, I hated my jiggly belly and I even hated the amount of sweat I was producing. I would even catch myself looking around to see if anyone was looking at me and wondering if I could ever be as fit as some of the other women in the class. I was distracted and defeated. I finished the rest of the week like this and decided to put all of my energy, instead, into the things I knew I was good at.

the idea one has of one’s abilities, appearance, and personality

I kept myself busy, I would forget to eat or consciously decide to skip meals until I could find a healthy alternative…and then forget to eat that! You can only imagine what happened next. By the end of the weekend, I was so irritated by everything and everyone that I would go full out HULK mode on my husband. “I’m going to quit working out in the morning because, CLEARLY, I am the only one who takes care of things around here.” Are you laughing yet? You should be, because I was completely unreasonable, but that’s what happens when you don’t take care of yourself.

I can recall all the way back to middle school when my gymnastics coach made a comment to me about my hips growing, and not really understanding at the time what she meant, but not really letting go of it either. Once I was done with gymnastics, my chest filled out…like A LOT! I tried most sports my freshman year before settling on the dance team. If you are keeping track, that is two sports where you wear very little clothing…people can see everything! I began comparing myself to the other girls–as most girls do at that age – and wondered why I couldn’t look or be like them. Ive held onto this type of self-analyzing behavior for a very long time and, now, Im ready to kick it the [bleep] out the door!

You know the saying, “only you can make yourself happy?” Well, as clichéd as that may sound, its what im banking on to change my attitude, self-image and overall happiness. I know improving my self-image, like improving any skill, takes time and practice so this isn’t going to be immediate, but I plan to make small steps each day. Each morning, I try to look at myself in the mirror, at least once, and tell myself how badass I look. I’m also working on my nutrition and reminding myself, I want to be the best me I can, not just for my kids and my husband, but for MYSELF!